So after much conversation and squeezing in at my doctor's office I finally got a TENS unit.
Like most relationships, it was new and I was excited. Oh the possibilities!
Then it showed it's ugly flaws and it became not so fun.
Wires.
I fucking hate wires. They got caught everywhere, tangle, pull, etc. I can't stand it. It makes me see red.
I decided I could try to get past it though. Humans do have one of the larger brains on the planet.
So then comes the blindly in love portion of the relationship. TENS was freaking awesome.
I could actually go up steps fairly normally. Whee!
So I decide to go out exploring and enjoying my new found experiences.
I went shopping with my grandparents.
We're at store four, this is a new broken hip record for me. I'm really starting to think TENS and I can get along.
Then, it happens. The point where everything you believed turns into a giant lie.
The fucking battery died. Much like the chemistry, and my percocet.
We're 10% into a giant Wal-Mart shopping trip and everything shuts down.
I'm about ready to have a sobbing break-up fit in the middle of the produce section.
And it's not just any battery. TENS takes a special kind of charge. There was no hope.
I had to go on without it.
By the time we were 30% through I was limping and whimpering like an injured puppy.
I gave up, and accepted my defeat as gracefully as possible on a Wal-Mart bench.
Bastard.
My grandparents return for me and I have a gleam of hope. Almost home for drugs!
And fail. 100+ customers and two registers. Typical Wal-Mart cliche I know, but I wish I was lying. I really do.
I tried to stand in line with my grandparents, I mean really I'm a quarter their age. The look on my face must have said it all though; my Pop shooshed me to go sit down.
I shamelessly stole a bench seat from an old lady and waited what seemed like ages.
They come back empty handed and proclaim; "Let's just go, we're leaving it!"
I was horrified. The only response I could muster was "Oh hell no! I struggled though this shit and we're not going home empty handed! I don't care if I have to sit on the floor in line."
My grandparents begrudgingly went to go back, when alas more registers opened! Hallelujah! And whatever other religious shit you can come up with.
So now I'm home licking my proverbial wounds and planning an orgy with my dependable friends with benefits; Flexeril, Morphine, and Percocet.
Maybe we'll try again tomorrow, but the trust is lost TENS. It's lost.
