We all have skeletons in our closet. I don't talk about mine much anymore. I had a really rough life for awhile.
I saw a therapist for a bit after high school and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD.
It was a struggle for a long time, and still sometimes is. I'm genuinely a nice and fabulous person, but sometimes what may seem stupid to some people, flips a giant switch on my temper.
I have abandonment issues, and get upset easily when people "forget" about me.
I over analyze everything.
I go through periods where I'm depressed, irritated with my life, and just want to be left alone.
Other times, I go through periods where I'm optimistic, love everyone, find beauty everywhere, and try to be a social butterfly.
But, it doesn't take much to crash the party. Let downs, let down hard.
I used to self injure, and be suicidal. I stress used to.
When I got out of the situation I was in, and took control of my life, I took control over my BPD as well.
I recognized the "why's" of how I was feeling.
My car accident took away a lot of my control and reversed a great number of things for me. I was on a great path, and it was a giant let down.
Some of you may remember my Christmas cookie melt down. It was a BPD flare.
It's something to learn about, and if you have those feelings know you're not alone. I saw this video tonight and thought it was very well made, and felt inspired to share something very personal because of it in hopes that perhaps it will help someone else.
I have that diagnosis as well, with a shitload of anxiety. Adult attachment trauma. PTSD, which sometimes makes shit more "interesting" when I get overwhelmed with situations.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks but also serves as a learning experience. I'm getting a hell of a lot better at reading myself and being self-aware of my triggers.
PBS did a 3 part series called, "This Emotional Life". It's awesome on a lot of levels.
I have PTSD as well. It's unfun. Thanks for sharing doll! I've learned what it feels like when I'm going to have an issue, and how to calm down. Daisy helps a great deal.
ReplyDeleteI dated someone who I self-diagnosed with BPD. He stalked me for 2 1/2 years and I got involved with a message board (90's internet mind you). This totally sums it up. I appreciate your sharing. It gives me insight, and after dealing with my dad's mental defects lately, I have a totally new take on mental health issues. I don't have to hold my ex-boyfriend in disdain any longer. I get it. Thank you bootsie. I love you~ Gina
ReplyDeleteWell, I can't say I've ever felt the urge to stalk anyone, lol. But I got control of my issue early. Being a Pisces I'm naturally emotional and romantic though, and BPD does make abandonment extremely painful. Someone with BPD will over analyze the situation of a breakup and want to fix it. If it's bad and not under control, I could see how that could happen.
DeleteMental disorders are rampant in my family. Anxiety, panic, depression, etc. There's a very high suicide rate among my family members. I honestly think if I ever have children, it'll be by adoption. I'm lucky enough to be self-aware enough to recognize my issues and know how to work through them.
ReplyDeleteI used to apologize for everything, even things that weren't my fault for fear of blame. I needed a connection with people which put me into some very poor relationships and situations. I was also the needy girlfriend that would call your phone 20 times in a row if you didn't pick up for fear of abandonment.
ReplyDeleteI no longer do any of this, but it's a painful thing to go through.