My Letter to the President

Dear President Obama,

                I'm sure you get quite an abundance of mail, and I'm rather skeptical as to whether this will ever actually reach you. I'm sure reading every letter would be quite time consuming. If you are actually reading this, I'd like to say I'm honored. Seven months ago someone ran a red light leaving me with a broken hip, and a dented spirit. Since that time you have been involved in a series of firsts for me. At the age of twenty-five years old I was confined to a nursing home for months. I was adamant on still being able to vote, and being able to obtain an absentee ballot. Even a bit panicked when it came time to transfer home during the same time I needed to handle my ballot. I wanted my vote to count. You were the first President I ever voted for and loudly supported. The first campaign I ever donated to, even though I couldn't work and had very little money. As well as the first President I have ever written a letter to. I was in a second car accident as a passenger shortly after being released from the nursing home.      

                I've been through many challenges in my life. I've probably been counted in far to many statistics. I grew up in poverty, and in the shadows of pedophilia and alcoholism. Thanks to the generosity and kindness of others I never gave up. I grew into a strong yet humble woman. I worked my way up the economic ladder, while never forgetting to give back. I volunteered with police departments across our great nation. I was even filmed on Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator" series aiding the police. I gave my time to an animal shelter local to me. I never forgot how far I'd come.

                This unfortunate situation I've found myself in opened my eyes to the nightmare that is our health care system, and our need for reform. It's one thing to hear about it, and to sympathize. It is a totally different universe though to experience the mayhem of the endless phone calls, and being forced to make the decision between your rent or your health care premiums. If it was not for your reforms, due to my pre-existing condition (my broken hip), I would not be able to receive health insurance. I want to sincerely thank you for that. I also want to invite you to view our health care system from my new perspective.

                I was terminated in September of 2012 by my employer of over six years. Due to my broken hip I could no longer perform my job as required. I am receiving sixty percent of my salary through an employer paid disability benefit. I had to switch over to health insurance through COBRA. The cost of COBRA takes about thirty-five percent of my net income. Thirty-five percent of sixty percent is a painful number. Who knew numbers could hurt? I currently get no relief from the insurances of those who hit me (both were on cellphones while driving). I have to file suit, which unfortunately takes years. I had to resort to applying for welfare.

                Switching to COBRA in itself was a bit of a nightmare. It takes about three weeks for your first payment to "process". In the meantime you're technically covered, but no doctor’s office will take it anyways. It was a nightmare. MRI's had to be rescheduled, appointments cancelled. I simply did not have the funds to pay out of pocket and wait to get reimbursed. I just got fired. There was a battery of phone calls that ended along the lines of "Yes, your insurance company told us that you're technically covered, but we have to wait until it says so in the computer." Frustrating.

                I was relieved when I was accepted for welfare. It wasn't much, but I was sure the health insurance would be a huge help. Perhaps I could even drop my COBRA; that would be a huge help. Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy. Having a broken hip is pretty unpleasant; beyond the metal plate and eight screws. There's surgeons, orthopedists, family doctor, physical therapists, radiologists, even psychologists. (I was diagnosed with PTSD) So far only one of them accepts the insurance I receive through the state of Pennsylvania. When you have a broken hip you just can't stop going to the specialists you need. I'm looking at having to get around seven replacements in my lifetime.

                I begrudgingly decided I had to keep my insurance through COBRA. Things were very tight, but I managed. Managing is the important part. Then came the bills. Most doctors’ offices have this new policy. If you owe them money, you're not making an appointment. I can't skip appointments. A: Because I have a broken hip, and B: Because then I'd lose my disability income. So, then began the phone calls trying to figure out just why exactly I had all these bills coming in. Turned out switching your insurance through COBRA wasn't just a fancy new expensive payment plan, but an entirely new policy with fresh deductibles. Deductibles run by calendar year, so I got an entire new set of deductibles again in January. That's a total of one-thousand dollars in deductibles and four-thousand dollars in out of pocket expenses in a matter of months. I dread checking my mail.

                Unbelievably, it gets worse. I can only keep my health insurance through COBRA for one year. My benefits will end around August of 2013 through COBRA and I will have to search for individual self-pay policies. I've already begun looking, because once again I will have to go through those three to four weeks of "processing" where no doctor’s office will see me. I'd rather keep it as short as possible. Thanks to your reform I can at least find insurance with my pre-existing condition. (Broken hip) It seems insurance companies have found a way around that though. Sure, they have to legally insure you, so they'll just make it so unattainably expensive and worthless that no one can afford it. The self-pay policy that I will be switching to when my COBRA benefits expire is one-hundred dollars more expensive, with twice the deductible, almost twice the out of pocket expenses, a prescription deductible of five-hundred dollars, and a prescription plan that only pays 70%. I have to pay more money, to be in an even worse situation then I already am. This is the best option out there that I can find. If I hadn't been on COBRA and been offered a "conversion" package, it would have cost me over three-hundred dollars more a month. It's sheerly unbelievable.

                Shortly after I switch to my own self-pay insurance in August, January will roll around once again with a whole new set of deductibles to bring along with it. That's another two-thousand dollars in deductibles and six-thousand dollars in out of pocket expenses.  Due to COBRA I will have had to pay insurance deductibles five times in less than a year and a half, with my rates sky-rocketing after my COBRA period expires. Three thousand dollars in deductibles, and ten thousand dollars in out of pocket expenses in less than a year and a half. My original policy for the year, before this nightmare began cost me only about 15% of that.

                I am paying physically and emotionally every day for someone else’s mistake, and I am forced to sacrifice my financial stability to maintain health insurance because of it. The insurance companies are profiting off of my misfortune with their battery of deductibles and extreme rates. I've been forced to sell my possessions just to pay medical bills. Is this the American dream we wish to portray? I am the face of America begging for health care reform. I am living the nightmare of a broken system that no one sees from the outside. I beg of you to create some good from my misfortune and use my experience to educate others about the reform we so desperately need.

                Yours Truly,

                                Trisha Bootsma

TENS has turned out to be the sadistic boyfriend I never wanted..

So after much conversation and squeezing in at my doctor's office I finally got a TENS unit.

Like most relationships, it was new and I was excited. Oh the possibilities!

Then it showed it's ugly flaws and it became not so fun.

Wires.

I fucking hate wires. They got caught everywhere, tangle, pull, etc. I can't stand it. It makes me see red.

I decided I could try to get past it though. Humans do have one of the larger brains on the planet.

So then comes the blindly in love portion of the relationship. TENS was freaking awesome.

I could actually go up steps fairly normally. Whee!

So I decide to go out exploring and enjoying my new found experiences.

I went shopping with my grandparents.

We're at store four, this is a new broken hip record for me. I'm really starting to think TENS and I can get along.

Then, it happens. The point where everything you believed turns into a giant lie.

The fucking battery died. Much like the chemistry, and my percocet.

We're 10% into a giant Wal-Mart shopping trip and everything shuts down.

I'm about ready to have a sobbing break-up fit in the middle of the produce section.

And it's not just any battery. TENS takes a special kind of charge. There was no hope.

I had to go on without it.

By the time we were 30% through I was limping and whimpering like an injured puppy.

I gave up, and accepted my defeat as gracefully as possible on a Wal-Mart bench.

Bastard.

My grandparents return for me and I have a gleam of hope. Almost home for drugs!

And fail. 100+ customers and two registers. Typical Wal-Mart cliche I know, but I wish I was lying. I really do.

I tried to stand in line with my grandparents, I mean really I'm a quarter their age. The look on my face must have said it all though; my Pop shooshed me to go sit down.

I shamelessly stole a bench seat from an old lady and waited what seemed like ages.

They come back empty handed and proclaim; "Let's just go, we're leaving it!"

I was horrified. The only response I could muster was "Oh hell no! I struggled though this shit and we're not going home empty handed! I don't care if I have to sit on the floor in line."

My grandparents begrudgingly went to go back, when alas more registers opened! Hallelujah! And whatever other religious shit you can come up with.

So now I'm home licking my proverbial wounds and planning an orgy with my dependable friends with benefits; Flexeril, Morphine, and Percocet.

Maybe we'll try again tomorrow, but the trust is lost TENS. It's lost.

Bah.

The meat pie turned out really well. I'm usually not a big fan of the shell, but this one wasn't bad.

The innards were full of chunky potatoes and beef. It had a great flavor with a little help from these guys.

Watching some movies tonight and then doing a bunch of reviews.

Went out to eat and shopping with my grandparents.

I'm really starting to hate not having a job.

My grandparents help me out a great deal. Don't get me wrong; I appreciate every ounce of it.

My grandmother and I have very opposite taste spectrums though, and usually constantly bash on the things that I need. Especially when it comes to clothing and my home. I don't feel it necessary for them to buy something that I am going to replace the second I have enough money to do so.

In example, I need a laundry basket. I want to get one that is going to match the final paint scheme of my bathroom when I can finally remodel it.

Well, my grandmother doesn't like the style I want. She wants to buy something different, even if it is more expensive and I hate it. It blows up into an argument. It's ridiculous and frustrating.

Simply, I miss having my own money.

Being on disability is a nasty spiral of suck. I now make so little money, that my bank charges me a fee just so they'll keep me as a customer.

My insurance costs to stay with the doctors I need are astronomical. Most of them, all but one actually, don't take my welfare insurance so it's rendered useless.

I keep getting ridiculous bills in the mail. The worst part? If you don't pay the bill they won't see you until you do.

When you have a broken hip not being seen isn't exactly an option.

So the little bit of money I do get goes towards insurance, bills my insurance doesn't cover in full, and trying to stay afloat on my utilities.

Welfare gives me an insulting amount of food stamps, $16.

Living on my own is seemingly becoming unrealistic.

But it's a freedom I refuse to give up.

To say I'm frustrated is an understatement.

Meat Pies

There's a tiny grocery store opened up by a farm in Shoemakersville. Right now it's so small and tiny it hasn't even made it's way into Google search results. So much so that Google literally has no results. Something I'm pretty sure I've never seen in my life.

Besides that oddity, this place by far has the best chocolate milk ever. Albeit a bit expensive.

Beyond the chocolate milk it's packed with lots of farm fresh and homemade baked and canned goods. They're always getting something new.

I don't mind the price because well, it's fresh! Fresh generally means healthier and better tasting. In every case I've tried so far there this has been true.

This place has this ridiculous giant plastic cow outside though. This thing annoys me. I don't know why they just don't get a real cow if they want to attract people. At least you can do something with a real cow.

This thing has annoyed me to the point that annoying me with it has become a running good time. Hence this now framed picture I possess.

This cow recently disappeared from the corner which raised much suspicion. I went in the other day with my grandmother. Turned out they moved the cow inside. My grandmother wasn't paying attention, turned around and noticed the cow, and screamed bloody murder. It was hilarious considering there was more people in the store then I've ever seen.

I got a meat pie there the other day. It's beef. I've never been a huge fan of meat pies, but they have a ton of varieties, even sausage. I found it intriguing.

I haven't used my oven since I've been home from the nursing home. Hell, I barely got a chance to use my oven at all since I bought it. $16 in food stamps doesn't go very far.

Damn accident.

With the whole pain thing I've been having a hell of a time sleeping lately. Last night I finally fell asleep around 6am. I didn't crawl out of bed until a little before 1pm. My grandparents are involved in some ridiculous ancient TV show to the point I was hung up on mid-sentence. So I figured what better day to make my meat pie and watch some movies and be lazy.

Well, when you don't use some things for awhile your fluidity suffers. Such as, I forgot that even though when remodeling my kitchen I fixed the magnet on my one cabinet door; I never did get the chance to remove the baby lock thing I had been using. I went to whip open the cabinet and it almost took my arm off from the elbow down with it. Minor issue.

I get my pie on the tray and ready to put in and realize I forgot to preheat. Damn it. This oven is also very new, and I've used it very few times. I also forgot how to use it. There's a lot of buttons. I figured it out in minimal time though.

So then, the waiting. It's pretty cold in my house so it seemed to take exceptionally long to preheat.

I suck exceptionally badly at standing. Especially when I just wake up. I don't balance properly between hips and wind up making one of them hurt, or a foot fall asleep.

I dabbled around and made coffee and things to try to keep moving to avoid pain, and finally it beeped. By this time Daisy is beside herself.

I forgot that since I've never used my oven since my accident; that means she has never seen an oven in use.

I put in my pie, set the timer and went begrudgingly up the steps to get ready to watch movies all day.

Meanwhile Daisy is running back and forth between me and the oven beside herself.

It lights up! It makes noises! It gets hot! OMG it's a sleeper beast!

Seriously, she was that upset.

She has hence calmed down and is somewhere under my blankets asleep.

Pictures later of the meat pie, and some movie reviews!

Excellent Oral

I deleted the rest of this ad because it's obsolete. The first requirement says it all. Lol.

Soccer

This is what Daisy and I do at 12am and other random times of the day when we (I) can't sleep. SOCCER! It's a great exercise for me, and she loves it. It gets tiring quick though for my hip. She has this silly habit of carrying her tags around in her mouth though when we play.

This is my very first time uploading a video to Youtube. Now that I have it figured out there shall be more!

I was on a roll so here's two more to enjoy!

Perception

I watched a movie today called Perception made in 2005 by Irving Schwartz.

It seems to be a low budget film. It's not very well made, and could have even been written a bit better, but I connected with it nonetheless.

It's about a girl trying to find herself.

She has a ridiculously messed up family. Her parents are pretty much insane.

She moved away, and wound up having to come home to help care for them. Her girlfriend from a detention center followed her back to Brooklyn, but she was trying to leave that life behind. Meanwhile an old boyfriend keeps trying to pursue her that she's not interested in.

In the midst of an argument with her girlfriend outside, she gets hit by a truck. It fucked her up bad and put her in a wheelchair.

The movie captures well the frustrations of the limitations and trauma from an accident. No one understands, not even herself. She's helpless in a household of people that can't even take care of themselves.

Her friends, jaded by her limitations abandon her.

She goes through frustrated angry outbursts trying to do things on her own and be as normal as possible. She also goes through moments of suicidal mentality.

Meanwhile, life goes on around her. The chaos doesn't end or have mercy for her situation. Her father dies upstairs while her mother panics, and she can't do anything to help because she can't go the stairs. Her mother later commits suicide. What was her girlfriend gets knocked up by a neighbor who goes to move back to Pakistan. Her old girlfriend kills him in her house. Two of her other friends dip into her pain meds and get hooked, moving on to heroin and wind up getting AIDS from dirty needles.

While all of this is going on she struggles in physical therapy and learns how to walk again, but still suffers from pain and limitations. Eventually it all gets to her and she takes the gun that her old girlfriend used and tries to kill herself, and botches it. The movie ends there, which is a shitty ending indeed.

It sounds like a crazy movie, and it really is. I think it really captured well the frustrations physically and mentally of a sudden disability though and how important it is to reach out for help. I suggest giving it a watch.

Pregnancy Tests

When you have a freshly broken hip I don't care who you are or how bad you want it, you're not having sex.

It's fucking impossible.

In the span of the past few months I've taken enough pregnancy tests to probably supply a local planned parenthood for a day.

I'm constantly getting X-rays, bone scans, cat scans and other nonsense done.

Every single time they insist I do a pregnancy test first.

The one day a relative was with me at an appointment and a nurse was talking in the corridor about someone going on about immaculate conception, and my relative knew they were talking about me.

It's absolutely infuriating. First of all, it's my body. If I say I'm not pregnant and I don't want a pregnancy test that should be the end of it. If I am and I was wrong, that's my responsibility. But come on, seriously I have a broken hip.

Some of you are thinking what's the big deal? Well for one they usually do a blood test and I hate needles, and it's a waste of money.

I've tried to flat out refuse already and they flat out refused to continue with my appointment. It's ridiculous.

Any thoughts?

Bungee

Remember when I said if I have a problem my Pop Pop is determined to fix it? Well after my grandmothers' fall he decided I have a problem; other than her persistent probably genetic klutziness.

He came down here at nearly midnight and took two I-hooks and put them into my doorway and connected a bungee cord across it.

He wanted to tie white towels onto it yet, but my wisdom convinced him that Daisy will simply use it as a murder toy.

It's pretty hard to see, but I am quite simply to lazy/sore to go down those steps to take a better picture.

I'm fairly convinced that it wouldn't save me from any impending doom, but it makes them feel better.

Productivity

Healing from a broken hip is painfully slow. In more ways than one. Not a whole lot happens fast.

This week has had some big moves in it though. Starting with my use of a regular toilet.

Then the removal of my outdoor ramp.

And finally today the removal of my indoor ramp.

Daisy felt the need to supervise.

My Pop broke his drill.

And this, just because I think it's hilarious. You can make up your own version of what was going on.

But finally, one of my biggest crutches was gone.

I also just realized my clock isn't centered. Damn it.

It fucking sucks.

And you're probably all oh my gawrd that's so great how could it suck?!

Well, I'll tell you how. It fucking sucks, because I fucking suck at going the stairs.

But, I'm not going to get any stronger being a whiney cunt about it, so it had to go.

My biggest concern is that I'm going to fall down them and break my neck or re-break my hip. My grandmother was chastising me about it. She was all "Oohh how can you fall down steps, you know they're there?! You'll be fine."

Guess what? She fucking fell down them tonight and she can actually go up and down them like a normal person. She forgot the ramp wasn't there. Hmph.

She did not break her neck, no worries. Or a hip for that matter.

But hey,

I've been back in the drivers' seat for some time now. Still pretty nerve wracking, but I'll get through it.

I've also realized now that I have short hair I look good in hats, and black and white.

I blew a raspberry on Daisy's tummy the other night. This face was the result:

I've now been going to the laundry weekly. All the bending and folding and shit is crazy exercise for my hip.

I keep losing socks. I know Daisy can't be eating that many.

My physical therapist started using a TENS unit on me.

I was a little nervous about it, but my lower back feels amazing. I can't wait until Friday to try it on my hip.

So, yeah. Lots of crazy things going on.

If you don't hear from me in a few days I probably fell down the steps and died.

Baby Steps

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step.

I'm letting my Pop take the ramps down today. One at least. Both if I feel brave by the end of the first.

I've been making small changes one by one to get things back to the way I liked them to be.

If only I could get my body back that way as well. I wanted, and tried to help. The frigid cold chills my implant though, and makes my bones ache in pain as if they're going to shatter apart at any second.

The cold has become my enemy. Due to my water allergy, the heat is also my enemy. I'm in a bad place.

Baby steps though. I'll figure it out.

My new mantra, it's going to be okay.

Dethroned

The King has been dethroned.

I finally used a real freaking toilet today. Finally.

I still need a handicap grab bar to get back up, but I'll take what I can get.

It's a clear indicator my hip's a bit stronger.

And, it opens up my outing possibilities. 

Brand New Kind of Free

I had to drive to therapy today, my grandparents were to busy.

I was stressed out, and didn't want to drive. I didn't have a choice though. 

I took a deep breath and got in the car.

The road by my house was empty, it gave me time to reflect and relax.

I have never taken a detour. I go to therapy and home, and can not wait to get to each destination. My heart hits my stomach constantly. My eyes frequently well up with tears I fight back.

The fear owned me.

I've fought a number of battles in my life to get me where I was.

I still wasn't happy with that place though.

To many sacrifices had to be made to get there.

Sacrifices that effected my entire future.

This accident, felt like getting hit by a wrecking ball in more ways then one. 

It knocked down so many things that I built up.

Today I realized though, that a lot of the pieces that I really need are still here.

And I've even added a few more.

Some of the pieces that are missing, opened a space to fit in new ones that I wanted in their place.

I've gone through a number of difficult things in my life. Far more than some people probably ever will. I feared this would be the one that would take me down. It's limiting, painful, stressful, angering, and so very much more.

But, I am stronger than it. And I am putting the pieces back together.

I made a stop. I stopped at the hardware store for something I needed for my bathroom.

Waiting to pull out I kept picturing all of the horrible ways I could get hit by another car trying to get back on the highway. I blocked it out. Waited a bit longer for traffic to be clear then a normal driver would, but that's okay.

I got to therapy and I was fine.

I left therapy, and I made another stop. I got a coffee and a doughnut. I parked in a non-handicap spot and I walked inside. It hurt like a bitch after therapy, especially having to wait for my coffee, but I was okay. Trying to figure out how to get back into my car was a bitch holding all that shit, but I was okay.

Heading towards home this song came on the radio.

It was inspiring, and I got lost in thought while I was driving. For once though it wasn't thought about how each car could do something stupid and hit me and how I could avoid it.

I've never left anything in my life stop me, and I'm not about to start.

I faced my fear and drove through Leesport. My heart was pounding. I had to put the A/C on. If you're local, you know how fucking cold it is right now. The fear had me on fire.

But, I did it. I went through the intersection that almost killed me, and I was okay.

I'm going to be okay.

It's been awhile, I'm not who I was before.

Don't be surprised

If I talk a little louder

If I speak up when you're wrong

If I walk a little taller

If you noticed that I'm different

Don't take it personally

Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me

And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Oh, it took a long long road to get here

It took a brave brave girl to try

I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies

Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend, you'd want to get to know me again

If you were worth the while

You'd be happy to see me smile

I'm not expecting sorry

I'm too busy finding myself

I got this

I found me, I found me, yeah

I don't need your opinion

I'm not waiting for your okay

I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave

Now, my heart is open

And I can finally breathe

Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of free

This ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me

Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me.

Anonymous

I have a real respect for the Anonymous movement.

A group of people taking vigilante justice for the greater good, under a veil of anonymity or alias.

There's a fine line between helpful and hurtful vigilante justice.

I was part of what some called a vigilante movement in its' time.

With any movement comes its' groupies. People who want it just for the fame, or the glory. Or people who just have a need to be a part of something bigger or meaningful. People who will try almost anything to fulfill that need.

You also get people who take that movement to simply do some pretty dick things in its' name.

This is one of the many "Anonymous" facebook pages with who knows how many admins. One of the posts made today was how to "join" Anonymous.

****Warning, do not do this.****

Those instructions, will delete what makes your computer run.

Sadly, I can only imagine how many people, what some would deem "sheep", followed these instructions and are now facing extensive bills to get their computers back up and running.

Some probably teenagers, some people looking to join for selfish reasons, and some people just looking to want to do some good.

What are we coming to?

Thanks for Coming Along for the Ride

Life sure has been crazy since this accident.

I have good days, awful days, and tons of days in between.

If you're reading this, thanks for being there through all of them.

Some of you have been more supportive then I could have ever imagined.

Others, their true colors really shown.

I've even lost contact with some family since I can't be as helpful, or because I'm more limited.

Some people that I've personally went above and beyond for during their tough times turned their back on me.

And you know what? It's fine. I wouldn't take back the good things I did for them regardless. I'm not that kind of person. Unfortunately, not everyone is as empathetic as I am.

Yes, many many people have it far worse than I. And I encourage them to reach out, to journal their experience, and to bitch as much as necessary.

After seeing how many fair weather friends I had actually acquired, I pulled my journaling from my Facebook, to my blog. To share with others, and perhaps help those in a similar situation.

Comments were made about the frequency of my posts. Hello. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm stuck in an apartment alone besides my pets. For a great period of time unable to do pretty much anything including walk and wipe my own ass. Things get a little boring, and the lack of human communication is a bit maddening. Excuse me for reaching out.

Comments were also made about my negativity. Gee, I'm sorry. While some people use their Facebook to smugly bitch about other people doing trivial things, stalk people, and other nonsense, I was using mine to connect and share what was/is one of the hardest times of my life. I'm sorry if getting my hip broken doesn't always involve sunshine blaring out of my asshole.

It was even compared to the fact that children with cancer are always so happy, yet I have the nerve to be upset.

Seriously?

I have the utmost respect and sympathy for people battling things much more awful and fatal then what I'm enduring. Children with cancer are not always happy though. Children also do not have bills they have to work to pay, or concerns over whether or not their paycheck will be messed up, or how they're going to work, or where they're going to work. Or how they're going to clean their house, transport to places, pay for insurance and prescriptions, and more. I would be a lot fucking happier to if I was a child, but I'm not.

I'm an adult, in the real world, with giant responsibilities. After working myself from government housing to a high pay grade, and being knocked back to welfare. Trying to figure out how to pick all the pieces the fuck back up and put them back together again so I can actually function in the real world without having to live on your tax dime.

My apologies that it isn't all unicorns and fucking rainbows.

It blows my mind the insensitive shit that comes out of peoples mouths.

So for those of you that have stuck through this with me, I commend you, and thank you.

You've been there through the great days, and the shit days. You don't judge me for not censoring/sugar coating my experience into rainbow bullshit that just isn't true.

I don't want someone in the same situation as I am in looking for someone else to relate to, and see someone spewing all this bullshit about how easy and great it is, and wondering where they're going wrong. It's not.

It fucking sucks.

One of these fine days it'll get better, and stay better. I'm glad I know which friends I can truly count on when I get there.

Much love to those of you that are there, you know who you are.