Bah.

The meat pie turned out really well. I'm usually not a big fan of the shell, but this one wasn't bad.

The innards were full of chunky potatoes and beef. It had a great flavor with a little help from these guys.

Watching some movies tonight and then doing a bunch of reviews.

Went out to eat and shopping with my grandparents.

I'm really starting to hate not having a job.

My grandparents help me out a great deal. Don't get me wrong; I appreciate every ounce of it.

My grandmother and I have very opposite taste spectrums though, and usually constantly bash on the things that I need. Especially when it comes to clothing and my home. I don't feel it necessary for them to buy something that I am going to replace the second I have enough money to do so.

In example, I need a laundry basket. I want to get one that is going to match the final paint scheme of my bathroom when I can finally remodel it.

Well, my grandmother doesn't like the style I want. She wants to buy something different, even if it is more expensive and I hate it. It blows up into an argument. It's ridiculous and frustrating.

Simply, I miss having my own money.

Being on disability is a nasty spiral of suck. I now make so little money, that my bank charges me a fee just so they'll keep me as a customer.

My insurance costs to stay with the doctors I need are astronomical. Most of them, all but one actually, don't take my welfare insurance so it's rendered useless.

I keep getting ridiculous bills in the mail. The worst part? If you don't pay the bill they won't see you until you do.

When you have a broken hip not being seen isn't exactly an option.

So the little bit of money I do get goes towards insurance, bills my insurance doesn't cover in full, and trying to stay afloat on my utilities.

Welfare gives me an insulting amount of food stamps, $16.

Living on my own is seemingly becoming unrealistic.

But it's a freedom I refuse to give up.

To say I'm frustrated is an understatement.

Meat Pies

There's a tiny grocery store opened up by a farm in Shoemakersville. Right now it's so small and tiny it hasn't even made it's way into Google search results. So much so that Google literally has no results. Something I'm pretty sure I've never seen in my life.

Besides that oddity, this place by far has the best chocolate milk ever. Albeit a bit expensive.

Beyond the chocolate milk it's packed with lots of farm fresh and homemade baked and canned goods. They're always getting something new.

I don't mind the price because well, it's fresh! Fresh generally means healthier and better tasting. In every case I've tried so far there this has been true.

This place has this ridiculous giant plastic cow outside though. This thing annoys me. I don't know why they just don't get a real cow if they want to attract people. At least you can do something with a real cow.

This thing has annoyed me to the point that annoying me with it has become a running good time. Hence this now framed picture I possess.

This cow recently disappeared from the corner which raised much suspicion. I went in the other day with my grandmother. Turned out they moved the cow inside. My grandmother wasn't paying attention, turned around and noticed the cow, and screamed bloody murder. It was hilarious considering there was more people in the store then I've ever seen.

I got a meat pie there the other day. It's beef. I've never been a huge fan of meat pies, but they have a ton of varieties, even sausage. I found it intriguing.

I haven't used my oven since I've been home from the nursing home. Hell, I barely got a chance to use my oven at all since I bought it. $16 in food stamps doesn't go very far.

Damn accident.

With the whole pain thing I've been having a hell of a time sleeping lately. Last night I finally fell asleep around 6am. I didn't crawl out of bed until a little before 1pm. My grandparents are involved in some ridiculous ancient TV show to the point I was hung up on mid-sentence. So I figured what better day to make my meat pie and watch some movies and be lazy.

Well, when you don't use some things for awhile your fluidity suffers. Such as, I forgot that even though when remodeling my kitchen I fixed the magnet on my one cabinet door; I never did get the chance to remove the baby lock thing I had been using. I went to whip open the cabinet and it almost took my arm off from the elbow down with it. Minor issue.

I get my pie on the tray and ready to put in and realize I forgot to preheat. Damn it. This oven is also very new, and I've used it very few times. I also forgot how to use it. There's a lot of buttons. I figured it out in minimal time though.

So then, the waiting. It's pretty cold in my house so it seemed to take exceptionally long to preheat.

I suck exceptionally badly at standing. Especially when I just wake up. I don't balance properly between hips and wind up making one of them hurt, or a foot fall asleep.

I dabbled around and made coffee and things to try to keep moving to avoid pain, and finally it beeped. By this time Daisy is beside herself.

I forgot that since I've never used my oven since my accident; that means she has never seen an oven in use.

I put in my pie, set the timer and went begrudgingly up the steps to get ready to watch movies all day.

Meanwhile Daisy is running back and forth between me and the oven beside herself.

It lights up! It makes noises! It gets hot! OMG it's a sleeper beast!

Seriously, she was that upset.

She has hence calmed down and is somewhere under my blankets asleep.

Pictures later of the meat pie, and some movie reviews!

Excellent Oral

I deleted the rest of this ad because it's obsolete. The first requirement says it all. Lol.

Soccer

This is what Daisy and I do at 12am and other random times of the day when we (I) can't sleep. SOCCER! It's a great exercise for me, and she loves it. It gets tiring quick though for my hip. She has this silly habit of carrying her tags around in her mouth though when we play.

This is my very first time uploading a video to Youtube. Now that I have it figured out there shall be more!

I was on a roll so here's two more to enjoy!

Perception

I watched a movie today called Perception made in 2005 by Irving Schwartz.

It seems to be a low budget film. It's not very well made, and could have even been written a bit better, but I connected with it nonetheless.

It's about a girl trying to find herself.

She has a ridiculously messed up family. Her parents are pretty much insane.

She moved away, and wound up having to come home to help care for them. Her girlfriend from a detention center followed her back to Brooklyn, but she was trying to leave that life behind. Meanwhile an old boyfriend keeps trying to pursue her that she's not interested in.

In the midst of an argument with her girlfriend outside, she gets hit by a truck. It fucked her up bad and put her in a wheelchair.

The movie captures well the frustrations of the limitations and trauma from an accident. No one understands, not even herself. She's helpless in a household of people that can't even take care of themselves.

Her friends, jaded by her limitations abandon her.

She goes through frustrated angry outbursts trying to do things on her own and be as normal as possible. She also goes through moments of suicidal mentality.

Meanwhile, life goes on around her. The chaos doesn't end or have mercy for her situation. Her father dies upstairs while her mother panics, and she can't do anything to help because she can't go the stairs. Her mother later commits suicide. What was her girlfriend gets knocked up by a neighbor who goes to move back to Pakistan. Her old girlfriend kills him in her house. Two of her other friends dip into her pain meds and get hooked, moving on to heroin and wind up getting AIDS from dirty needles.

While all of this is going on she struggles in physical therapy and learns how to walk again, but still suffers from pain and limitations. Eventually it all gets to her and she takes the gun that her old girlfriend used and tries to kill herself, and botches it. The movie ends there, which is a shitty ending indeed.

It sounds like a crazy movie, and it really is. I think it really captured well the frustrations physically and mentally of a sudden disability though and how important it is to reach out for help. I suggest giving it a watch.

Pregnancy Tests

When you have a freshly broken hip I don't care who you are or how bad you want it, you're not having sex.

It's fucking impossible.

In the span of the past few months I've taken enough pregnancy tests to probably supply a local planned parenthood for a day.

I'm constantly getting X-rays, bone scans, cat scans and other nonsense done.

Every single time they insist I do a pregnancy test first.

The one day a relative was with me at an appointment and a nurse was talking in the corridor about someone going on about immaculate conception, and my relative knew they were talking about me.

It's absolutely infuriating. First of all, it's my body. If I say I'm not pregnant and I don't want a pregnancy test that should be the end of it. If I am and I was wrong, that's my responsibility. But come on, seriously I have a broken hip.

Some of you are thinking what's the big deal? Well for one they usually do a blood test and I hate needles, and it's a waste of money.

I've tried to flat out refuse already and they flat out refused to continue with my appointment. It's ridiculous.

Any thoughts?

Bungee

Remember when I said if I have a problem my Pop Pop is determined to fix it? Well after my grandmothers' fall he decided I have a problem; other than her persistent probably genetic klutziness.

He came down here at nearly midnight and took two I-hooks and put them into my doorway and connected a bungee cord across it.

He wanted to tie white towels onto it yet, but my wisdom convinced him that Daisy will simply use it as a murder toy.

It's pretty hard to see, but I am quite simply to lazy/sore to go down those steps to take a better picture.

I'm fairly convinced that it wouldn't save me from any impending doom, but it makes them feel better.

Productivity

Healing from a broken hip is painfully slow. In more ways than one. Not a whole lot happens fast.

This week has had some big moves in it though. Starting with my use of a regular toilet.

Then the removal of my outdoor ramp.

And finally today the removal of my indoor ramp.

Daisy felt the need to supervise.

My Pop broke his drill.

And this, just because I think it's hilarious. You can make up your own version of what was going on.

But finally, one of my biggest crutches was gone.

I also just realized my clock isn't centered. Damn it.

It fucking sucks.

And you're probably all oh my gawrd that's so great how could it suck?!

Well, I'll tell you how. It fucking sucks, because I fucking suck at going the stairs.

But, I'm not going to get any stronger being a whiney cunt about it, so it had to go.

My biggest concern is that I'm going to fall down them and break my neck or re-break my hip. My grandmother was chastising me about it. She was all "Oohh how can you fall down steps, you know they're there?! You'll be fine."

Guess what? She fucking fell down them tonight and she can actually go up and down them like a normal person. She forgot the ramp wasn't there. Hmph.

She did not break her neck, no worries. Or a hip for that matter.

But hey,

I've been back in the drivers' seat for some time now. Still pretty nerve wracking, but I'll get through it.

I've also realized now that I have short hair I look good in hats, and black and white.

I blew a raspberry on Daisy's tummy the other night. This face was the result:

I've now been going to the laundry weekly. All the bending and folding and shit is crazy exercise for my hip.

I keep losing socks. I know Daisy can't be eating that many.

My physical therapist started using a TENS unit on me.

I was a little nervous about it, but my lower back feels amazing. I can't wait until Friday to try it on my hip.

So, yeah. Lots of crazy things going on.

If you don't hear from me in a few days I probably fell down the steps and died.

Baby Steps

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step.

I'm letting my Pop take the ramps down today. One at least. Both if I feel brave by the end of the first.

I've been making small changes one by one to get things back to the way I liked them to be.

If only I could get my body back that way as well. I wanted, and tried to help. The frigid cold chills my implant though, and makes my bones ache in pain as if they're going to shatter apart at any second.

The cold has become my enemy. Due to my water allergy, the heat is also my enemy. I'm in a bad place.

Baby steps though. I'll figure it out.

My new mantra, it's going to be okay.

Dethroned

The King has been dethroned.

I finally used a real freaking toilet today. Finally.

I still need a handicap grab bar to get back up, but I'll take what I can get.

It's a clear indicator my hip's a bit stronger.

And, it opens up my outing possibilities. 

Brand New Kind of Free

I had to drive to therapy today, my grandparents were to busy.

I was stressed out, and didn't want to drive. I didn't have a choice though. 

I took a deep breath and got in the car.

The road by my house was empty, it gave me time to reflect and relax.

I have never taken a detour. I go to therapy and home, and can not wait to get to each destination. My heart hits my stomach constantly. My eyes frequently well up with tears I fight back.

The fear owned me.

I've fought a number of battles in my life to get me where I was.

I still wasn't happy with that place though.

To many sacrifices had to be made to get there.

Sacrifices that effected my entire future.

This accident, felt like getting hit by a wrecking ball in more ways then one. 

It knocked down so many things that I built up.

Today I realized though, that a lot of the pieces that I really need are still here.

And I've even added a few more.

Some of the pieces that are missing, opened a space to fit in new ones that I wanted in their place.

I've gone through a number of difficult things in my life. Far more than some people probably ever will. I feared this would be the one that would take me down. It's limiting, painful, stressful, angering, and so very much more.

But, I am stronger than it. And I am putting the pieces back together.

I made a stop. I stopped at the hardware store for something I needed for my bathroom.

Waiting to pull out I kept picturing all of the horrible ways I could get hit by another car trying to get back on the highway. I blocked it out. Waited a bit longer for traffic to be clear then a normal driver would, but that's okay.

I got to therapy and I was fine.

I left therapy, and I made another stop. I got a coffee and a doughnut. I parked in a non-handicap spot and I walked inside. It hurt like a bitch after therapy, especially having to wait for my coffee, but I was okay. Trying to figure out how to get back into my car was a bitch holding all that shit, but I was okay.

Heading towards home this song came on the radio.

It was inspiring, and I got lost in thought while I was driving. For once though it wasn't thought about how each car could do something stupid and hit me and how I could avoid it.

I've never left anything in my life stop me, and I'm not about to start.

I faced my fear and drove through Leesport. My heart was pounding. I had to put the A/C on. If you're local, you know how fucking cold it is right now. The fear had me on fire.

But, I did it. I went through the intersection that almost killed me, and I was okay.

I'm going to be okay.

It's been awhile, I'm not who I was before.

Don't be surprised

If I talk a little louder

If I speak up when you're wrong

If I walk a little taller

If you noticed that I'm different

Don't take it personally

Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me

And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Oh, it took a long long road to get here

It took a brave brave girl to try

I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies

Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend, you'd want to get to know me again

If you were worth the while

You'd be happy to see me smile

I'm not expecting sorry

I'm too busy finding myself

I got this

I found me, I found me, yeah

I don't need your opinion

I'm not waiting for your okay

I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave

Now, my heart is open

And I can finally breathe

Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of free

This ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me

Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me.

Anonymous

I have a real respect for the Anonymous movement.

A group of people taking vigilante justice for the greater good, under a veil of anonymity or alias.

There's a fine line between helpful and hurtful vigilante justice.

I was part of what some called a vigilante movement in its' time.

With any movement comes its' groupies. People who want it just for the fame, or the glory. Or people who just have a need to be a part of something bigger or meaningful. People who will try almost anything to fulfill that need.

You also get people who take that movement to simply do some pretty dick things in its' name.

This is one of the many "Anonymous" facebook pages with who knows how many admins. One of the posts made today was how to "join" Anonymous.

****Warning, do not do this.****

Those instructions, will delete what makes your computer run.

Sadly, I can only imagine how many people, what some would deem "sheep", followed these instructions and are now facing extensive bills to get their computers back up and running.

Some probably teenagers, some people looking to join for selfish reasons, and some people just looking to want to do some good.

What are we coming to?

Thanks for Coming Along for the Ride

Life sure has been crazy since this accident.

I have good days, awful days, and tons of days in between.

If you're reading this, thanks for being there through all of them.

Some of you have been more supportive then I could have ever imagined.

Others, their true colors really shown.

I've even lost contact with some family since I can't be as helpful, or because I'm more limited.

Some people that I've personally went above and beyond for during their tough times turned their back on me.

And you know what? It's fine. I wouldn't take back the good things I did for them regardless. I'm not that kind of person. Unfortunately, not everyone is as empathetic as I am.

Yes, many many people have it far worse than I. And I encourage them to reach out, to journal their experience, and to bitch as much as necessary.

After seeing how many fair weather friends I had actually acquired, I pulled my journaling from my Facebook, to my blog. To share with others, and perhaps help those in a similar situation.

Comments were made about the frequency of my posts. Hello. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm stuck in an apartment alone besides my pets. For a great period of time unable to do pretty much anything including walk and wipe my own ass. Things get a little boring, and the lack of human communication is a bit maddening. Excuse me for reaching out.

Comments were also made about my negativity. Gee, I'm sorry. While some people use their Facebook to smugly bitch about other people doing trivial things, stalk people, and other nonsense, I was using mine to connect and share what was/is one of the hardest times of my life. I'm sorry if getting my hip broken doesn't always involve sunshine blaring out of my asshole.

It was even compared to the fact that children with cancer are always so happy, yet I have the nerve to be upset.

Seriously?

I have the utmost respect and sympathy for people battling things much more awful and fatal then what I'm enduring. Children with cancer are not always happy though. Children also do not have bills they have to work to pay, or concerns over whether or not their paycheck will be messed up, or how they're going to work, or where they're going to work. Or how they're going to clean their house, transport to places, pay for insurance and prescriptions, and more. I would be a lot fucking happier to if I was a child, but I'm not.

I'm an adult, in the real world, with giant responsibilities. After working myself from government housing to a high pay grade, and being knocked back to welfare. Trying to figure out how to pick all the pieces the fuck back up and put them back together again so I can actually function in the real world without having to live on your tax dime.

My apologies that it isn't all unicorns and fucking rainbows.

It blows my mind the insensitive shit that comes out of peoples mouths.

So for those of you that have stuck through this with me, I commend you, and thank you.

You've been there through the great days, and the shit days. You don't judge me for not censoring/sugar coating my experience into rainbow bullshit that just isn't true.

I don't want someone in the same situation as I am in looking for someone else to relate to, and see someone spewing all this bullshit about how easy and great it is, and wondering where they're going wrong. It's not.

It fucking sucks.

One of these fine days it'll get better, and stay better. I'm glad I know which friends I can truly count on when I get there.

Much love to those of you that are there, you know who you are.

War

Well, after a very expensive day I am relaxing in bed. Daisy's curled up under the blankets in my lap. She loves to burrow in them.

I got Daisy a Princess cookie since she's having a rough day.

As well as some new treats.

We also had to stock up on supplies for the weasels, so they don't get stinky.

And since I now know it's not allergies, we stocked back up on Daisy's favorite canned food.

As well as some stuff for her ouchies.

The vet thinks she may have an early onset of ear margin dermatitis. He said he's never seen it that early so he's not positive. It's supposedly common in dachshunds. There's no "known" and "official" cure. So I've waged all out war. I don't want my baby to be uncomfortable.

She's going on a month of antibiotics to kick its' ass with some topical itchy ointment. Plus I'm going to give her a fish oil supplement forever. Hopefully we can get rid of it and keep it gone. Poor baby.

I was going to take her to the groomer today, but we've both had it bad enough. We'll wait for another day.

Overdue-like my bills.

What a ridiculous past few days it's been.

My check was messed up, so I've been flat broke.

I've been taking Daisy for walks around the back field, and doing the treadmill at therapy.

I won a gift basket from Outlooks-Berkshire. It's pretty sweet. I wanted to say perhaps my luck has turned around, but not so much.

Daisy has had weird bumps on her ears. I tried everything I could think of to help her at home for a week. Nothing helped. I had to take her to the vet this morning. This is her watching the birds, she later howled at a cat. The cat has never seen a dog before. I'm pretty sure it was mortified.

The vet thinks she may have an ear related dermatitis, genetic in dachshunds,  but he said he said he's never seen it in such an early stage so he's not sure. He said it was very proactive of me to bring her in.

$100 proactive.

So, I need to start her on antibiotics, if they make a difference, I have to get a months worth. $60 worth.

It can cause their entire ear to become scabby bumps, I don't want her to go through that, so whatever it takes. I also need to get some Vitamin E lotion and fish oil.

When we got home, I accidentally stepped on her paw. Now I feel like a dick. She seems fine, but I'm fawning over her like I accidentally murdered her first born.

My current paycheck was fucked up again. Toppled with the ridiculous vet bill and supplies. I'm broke. I could pay my health insurance thank God, but utilities are not happening. I'm not in a position to get behind. I don't have an income source to catch back up.

Daisy means the world to me though, and I don't want to see her uncomfortable.

I also just remembered, I need to take her to the groomer. I'm beyond broke.

Some days it's really hard to stay positive. My lawyer's going to file suit for both of my cases in about two weeks at least.

I signed up for Netflix's DVD service. I got a free month. So far I really like it. I got my first movies in a day. Talk about fast. Faster then your average mail service for sure. It's beyond simple to send back too. You don't even have to pay postage. They have a ton of selection, and you can get mostly anything in blu-ray.

If anyone's interested in trying it out I can hook you up with a free month.

I also have a 25% off coupon for Coach if anyone wants it.

So far from Netflix DVD I've watched Ted it's a pretty awesome movie, I suggest it if you haven't seen it. If you have, well...

I also watched the Polar Express. It was...odd compared to what I was expecting. I don't know, I didn't really care for it.

Last and maybe least, I watched Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. That movie, I just, don't know. Maybe I was half asleep or something. The whole first half was just...pointless plot filler if you ask me. And the title, I really didn't see where it tied into the movie. I don't suggest putting it on top of your to do list.

**Spoiler Alert: There is no happy ending. **

I got on the floor for the first time. It sucked far more than anticipated, which is a lot.